To celebrate the publication of The Last First Date, we’re delighted to have author and dating expert Hayley Quinn on the blog to talk about the science behind dating and always choosing the wrong person.
It’s the worst of dating woes: finally you met a guy that you actually like, he’s in fact pretty much perfect…
Until one day he’s not.
In the beginning he was messaging you all the time, setting up date after date, and dangling the promise of holidays together, and meeting his friends.
Then you noticed his messages to you became more distant: suddenly every time you want to reach out, you start to second guess yourself that you’re acting needy.
What did you do to suddenly turn him off?
How in such a short space of time have you gone from him pushing for a date, to making excuses as to why he can’t catch up this weekend?
This may surprise you but there’s a simple dating principle at work here: one that will cause you to pick the “wrong” guy time after time.
So here’s the secret reason why he’s suddenly acting distant and what you can do about it.
Before we go any further let me introduce myself: I’m dating coach Hayley Quinn and over the past 15 years I’ve worked with thousands of men and women to improve their dating lives. This has given me a unique insight into dating, that I’ve been lucky enough to share with a TED talk and now my first romcom (crammed full of dating wisdom) The Last First Date.
The reasons behind him acting distant that I’m going to share with you, also hold the key to why you may find yourself stuck in the cycle of always choosing the wrong guy.
And I don’t want you to be disappointed again.
So here’s the deal: when you first meet a guy, he can quickly go into “people pleasing mode”.
He doesn’t intend to mislead you with this, but just like you, he wants to be liked.
The start of dating you is an exciting time for him: on the one hand he may be worried that you’re going to reject him, so he’s giving this his all, and on the other hand it’s too early for questions around commitment to come up. So he doesn’t feel any pressure.
That’s why he rushes in and sweeps you off your feet.
However, in time this often changes: and he may start to suddenly act distant.
To start with, the initial excitement he felt around dating you, wears off. He’s no longer worried that you don’t like him: because you’ve started to eagerly accept all his suggestions to meet.
So he takes his foot off the gas, because he’s feeling more secure that you like him.
Then another feeling can come in: a creeping feeling of pressure about what you expect from him.
He’s really wooed you, and you’ve started to wonder whether he wants to commit. In fact you may have already made up your mind that you want him to be your boyfriend, and the longer he dodges bringing this up, the more insecure you start to feel.
Rather than being chased by him, suddenly you’re the one nervously checking WhatsApp to see if he’s read your message.
You can see then how his initial attraction to you, that drive to see you, starts to cool off, as he starts to consider whether commitment is something he actually wants.
“Huh? He hadn’t even thought about commitment when he was whispering in my ear about going on holiday to Bali next year? WTF?!”
Yes. I know. As I said, he’s not trying to mislead, but he’s living in the present; whilst all along you might be building expectations for the future.
So what can you do?
Is every guy you like destined to sweep you off your feet, then suddenly cool off?
No they’re not. Some guys will already be in the mindset that they’re looking for commitment, and some guys will get more and more excited about you as time goes on.
The trouble is, when it comes to winning you over, it can be very hard to tell who’s a sprinter and who’s a marathon runner.
The best you can do to stop yourself falling for someone who can never follow through, is to learn to build your expectations around him much more slowly.
As Helen in The Last First Date discovers, a good first date a boyfriend does not make!
So rather than worrying that he’s suddenly going to act distant: kick back, relax, and think carefully about how much you want to give to him, until you know him a little bit better.
The Last First Date is an utterly hilarious laugh-out-loud romance that will have you grinning from ear to ear from the first page to the last! Fans of Our Stop and Mhairi McFarlane will love this book.
Hayley Quinn is an internationally recognised dating coach and founder of the UK’s largest dating coaching company. You can learn more about her on her website https://www.hayleyquinn.com/. Her debut novel, The Last First Date is out now in eBook and paperback.
