Oh, the Greek myths: the original classics with cult status. Ancient heroes bravely pointing their spears at fate, only for fate to turn around and slap them in the face. They’re all so terribly deep, meaningful, and important.
But did our ancient heroes have options, I wonder? Did they have to go on one rampant phallus-spree after another? Or could they have just…chilled out a bit? Perhaps spent a more boring but ultimately rewarding life sunbathing on a Greek island instead?
Let’s take Menelaus, King of Sparta, as an example. He had the misfortune to be married to Helen, the most beautiful woman on the planet, who then ran away with Prince Paris of Troy. Yes, that’s sad for Menelaus, so very sad – but did he really need to launch himself (and the rest of Greek manhood) phallus-first into a 10-year war over his pricked pride? Or could he have gotten over Helen with a little help from a beach-side margarita, a bromance, and a spot of self-reflection?
What about Zeus and his steaming hot loins? Could he have embraced cold-water swimming in the river Styx, maybe, rather than turning said steaming hot loins on all the unfortunate women who crossed his path?
And what if just some of our so-called heroes had occasionally listened to women?
Such as Cassandra (‘Stop it with the willy waving!’),
Penelope (‘Stop it with the willy waving and come home this very minute, Oddy!’),
or even Helen (‘Stop it with the willy waving…No, no, not you, Paris!’)?
These questions have been bugging me for a while. And I’ve been wondering what I can do about it all, given that I’m 4,000 years or so late to the party.
Well, I decided to write a book. A book called Divine Dicks and Mortal Pricks, which includes very short retellings of the most famous Greek myths and stories…from the women’s perspective. Because let’s face it, we have spent the last few thousand years pandering to a testosterone-driven narrative. Now, it’s time to shine a light on the plight of the women, goddesses, and nymphs who had to endure all this pointless willy waving…and pay the price for it. Sexism is ridiculous. Let’s laugh at it!
So, in this book, you won’t find treatises about Apollo’s complex nature, or an analysis of the role of fate in the Iliad. It won’t be a deep dive into Zeus’ psyche, either. Just his pants. And if you’re thinking: ‘Walburga! You are wilfully misconstruing the nature of these terribly deep, meaningful, and important myths!’ I say YES! Yes, that is exactly what I’m doing! And it’s about time.
I hope you enjoy the read.
Walburga Appleseed
